Mum and Dad…no relation!

This Nairobi will honestly never cease to amaze me!

How trends come and go, is a matter that should have national budget dedicated to it. Sherlock in all his dexterity will be gob smacked at reasons given for something’s that really should not be.

People… I have just realized why the term Mum and Dad are used to refer to your pastor, please believe me when I say… It is a silent cry for help!

I cannot speak for everyone. But it is taboo to seduce your parents. And by seduce I mean sexually! Would you prance around the house, wearing clothing that will have the devil blush in front of your folks? Would you seat across from them, crossing and uncrossing your legs whilst your hem line is somewhere north of your crack?
So why in heavens name would your dress the way you do while going to church? Are you taking your “I have nothing to wear” a bit too seriously? Please allow me to address some of these sin inducers!

You with the thorax! Strutting your stuff like Johnny “look at me” Bravo, how dare you display you wide shoulders and slender waist line like that! You muscle shirt is so tight that I am breathing for you! And them jeans, oooooh them jeans, Levi ought to pay you. Would it have killed you to dress as if you were going to an interview? Have some respect for crying out loud! How many times do you work out? Thrice? In the morning? Where exactly? I am asking for my single pals… for truth I am!

And you with the bandage dress! You must have done a dozen squats this morning… you back side can’t stop smiling…such cute dimples! And that jacket you have on, very chic, .although it only calls attention your nether region, and them heels… damn… Call up Gertrude and do a collabo.

The thing is, we all need to remember that these people of God are first human, and then pastors, fathers, spouses, not necessarily in this order. So when you dress in a manner screaming that church was not your final destination, how do you want them to react? Instead of focusing on making you a better person, the pastors be focusing on calming the flesh!

Please… let us not make each other’s lives difficult! If this trend continues, let each church have uniform, make us all “equal”.

Of sticks and stones…..and Njoki Chege.

To dish out anecdotes (opinion pieces as she likes to call them), that are not grounded in any research, and are heavily influenced by bias and emotions from Satan’s belly is a total walk in the park. In fact, I need only watch more telly (seated on my wide lazy ass) , refuse to interact with any books and then proceed to document my skewed observation to the entire nation. Yes… a pat on my “bony” back is in order.

Do not get me wrong, I do concur that being obese is a serious danger to one’s health. If your weight does not allow you to easily carryout daily activities such as walking, bending or even shaving your legs, then friend, you do need to lose some weight. However, to band all plus size women as obese and proceed to label “us” as unsexy is not only in poor taste, but a shameful display of ignorance.

That being said, I choose to educate Chege’s daughter on matters that lead to weight. Being an ever so slight 90kg’s, I am a self-qualified expert on the subject.
Slow metabolism
This is rare, but studies have shown that a slow metabolism, coupled with other factors such as genetics, age and sex can lead to weight gain.
Malfunctioning Thyroid Gland
Also known as Hypothyroidism, may lead to changes in the Thyroid stimulating hormone that will result in massive weight gain or loss, a test of ones TSH will reveal the range, and how it is to be treated.
Hormonal imbalance
Even with the most vigorous exercise and strict diet, an imbalance in your hormones will prevent successful weight loss. Unfortunately, women are more prone to this imbalance than men are. The condition is known as toxic oestrogen, which has pre-menopausal women suffer PMS, too much body fat around the hips and difficulty losing weight. Menopausal women will experience low libido, memory loss, poor motivation, depression, loss of muscle mass and increased belly fat.
Whether imagined or real, chronic stress will cause excessive release of a hormone called cortisol, which in turn causes raging appetite, metabolic decline, belly fat , decline in amount of muscle tissue.
Child birth
Yes, post baby fat is real. Depending again on factors such as genetics, hormones, stress levels and activity, this weight may stay with you or burn.
Children born to families prone to obesity will be more likely than not become obese. So no, this is not imagined it is real. This is also the genesis of the term “big boned”.

Stereotyping is one of man’s biggest downfall! Man will naturally fear and then hate what they do not know and do not want to understand. I am on a mission to eliminate stereotyping, just because I am of a more generous persuasion does not mean I am daft or slow or unhealthy! Before you judge, and proceed to make known your thoughts… please take a minute and reflect. Equating a 96kg woman to a cow, without knowing how she got there, is completely unnecessary! The mind is a powerful tool, if you choose to see the negative, you will carry it with you and it will consume you.

I am plus size, with no regrets, and I will continue to snuggle in this category for the following reasons.

I do not hate, I appreciate. In the unfortunate event that I break both arms, I will still be able to clap.
Let us sing about thin women with absolutely no curves” said no musician ever.
Can someone show me a skinny teddy bear. Someone, anyone, show me a thin teddy bear! No one? I thought so.
a Teddy bear, I am cuddly and warm. You need only brush by me and you will come away with joy and rays of sunshine… because I am usually in a happy space, and seldom hungry! And yes, I am aware Barbie dolls exist, but they hold no interest over me.
I have this area, its depressed… much like what I think of Njoki, but I digress. This zone, found above my hip and below my ribcage works well with my generous hips. This area, believe it or not, is possessed by many a plus size woman. It is popularly known as the waist. Love is what Njoki needs to handle…so she can stop spewing venom (please tell me you see what I have done there).

And finally, I am thick! thick around my hips, thick around my chest; there is not a minute that I do not love myself. I would rather much be thick in the flesh, than be Njoki’s type of thick. #plusfabulosity.

Yours Truly,

Wahu Otieno.

The thickness.