The “D”

If your mind did not immediately go to the gutter, please step outside, Elijah and his blazing chariot await.

I did not choose these words (The “D”), they were uttered by my son in reference to something said to him by his pal. This is how the conversation went.

Him: Mama do you know the “D”?

Record scratch

Me: What did you say?

Him: (looking amazed at my lack of knowledge) The “Deeeee”, do you know the “Deeee”?

Me: (Unable to hide my shock and with a quivering voice) What are you talking about?

Him: You know *Kim said his dad is the “D” and insisted that he is the “D”

Me: (exhibiting slight relief and having resumed breathing) What is the D?

Him: Mama! The “D” is the devil!

Me: (Thawing with relief) Oooooh! The Devil! Why is Kim calling his dad the devil?

Him: I don’t know, but he said that is what they call him.

Me: Who is they?

Him: Everyone in their house I guess. I tried telling him the devil is not his dad but he said he was.

Me: Kim must have not understood what he heard, but tell him the devil is biblical and not living in their house.

Him: (scratching his chin…as if he has a beard) Kim puzzles me.

And just like that, the conversation was over.

Which made me very aware of the conversations we have as adults assuming that the children are not soaking up everything we say. *Kim now goes around calling his father the devil, he obviously picked this up from someone, who was not aware or does not care that these words will be repeated before an audience that can not be controlled.

Little ears, innocence, shaping world views from our own homes.

Good people, let us be more careful and conscious of what we are saying in-front of our little ones. It is easier to hold your tongue, than to try undo damaged.

 

*Kim, not the little boys real name.

 

Image credits.

 

Advertisements

My birthday

I usually do not care for birthdays, not even mine.

But this year round, I feel older, significantly older.

I have been put through the wringer, but I am still here! In this space, the place I presently occupy in spirit and in truth, I have come to appreciate that I choose not to give a fudge about anything that even remotely irritates. I am embracing the “walk away” approach, and possibly cuss under my breath, but I will waddle away.

Things I am over: Bad debt

Am I the only one who gets amazed at people who refuse to render payment for goods or services rendered? As in why do you need to be REPEATEDLY reminded to settle your dues? Apart from being an irredeemable ass wipe, why would you do that?

Anyone who owes me, I have blessed you with my money. It will not buy you decency or anything between your ears, but you can try.

I am sooooo into: KC!

Where has this drink been all my life? All of it!

I was introduced to it by a good pal of mine, and I have not looked back. How is it that it has absolutely NO hungover! NOOOOONE!

Good bye team whiskey, I will miss you dear Rum.

I am riding this KC wave ( Kenya Cane for those who have not had their morning coffee) like a woman possessed.

It might not be 4 o’clock anywhere on earth, but I do not care. Cheers mates!

 

 

Image credits.

Dear tribe-less Kenyans!

A fresh perspective.

This is how it starts.

This is how they play us.

They pit one side against the other, asking us to lay down our lives for their personal pursuits.

Certain birds tweet and chirp accusations. Eventually, the bird droppings fall to the grassroots, fester with ignorance and grow into violence. Everyone ignores the writings on the talking walls.

The skirt no longer greets the headscarf when they pass each other on the road as they drive to work.

Misinformation and propaganda give rise to full-blown hate.

People eventually pick up guns and rally in the streets.

Three killed, one injured.

The word person isn’t even used. A newsroom somewhere: “Foolish Africans, killing each other again.” There won’t be a #PrayforKenya. The world is bored; you did this before in 2007. Plus you don’t have the charm of Paris and you’re not white. Oh and that singer just had quintuplets. “If it bleeds it leads” doesn’t work anymore. Get those retweets. Priorities, people. Priorities.

Headlines fly, a TV screen reads: “Kenya Burning.” The producer assigned it three sentences on the script. A description on the demise of the only country you’ve ever known is reduced to a highlight.

More people call for blood. They have the taste for it now. The inner demons that slumbered since 2007 are now fully awake and starving. Almost a decade, a long time for evil to be suppressed….

One by one their sons are called to fight. The colour on the skirt fades and the headscarf starts to loosen. They don’t talk so loud now, but still tap their feet to the rhythm of hate.

The politicians they loathed, the politicians they loved… they’re all gone. They had their visas and hired choppers long before the bombs started to drop.

There is a crater now, at the corner where they stopped waving hello to each other.

Clean water and food are scarce. An entire decade of children has never stepped into a classroom. Schools are now makeshift hospitals for the remaining sons who volunteer to get killed because at least the rebels feed them.

The mothers search for their children. Skirt queues three people behind headscarf, waiting for the WFP food ration. Death didn’t care: from the Ketepa hills to the Chale sands. A body is a body is a body, and Grim’s quotas have to be met.

They cannot remember why it started and now they cannot find an end.

The mothers walk, empty and shelled into a waking death.

The generation of their futures lie rotting in unidentified graves, bone fragments mixing into the rubble of the building where Mama Njeri no longer sells the oil that Mrs. Owino needed for the deep-frying. Buried is the laughter they shared when they discussed the youthful idiocy of their sons and how expensive everything was getting. How neither the government nor the opposition ever really cared.

Their sons are dead. The women are dead. The future is dead.

Kenyatta and Odinga

The Llama Thinks…

… leaders come and go, citizens remain. Nairobi is not burning: majority of western media is already hoping isolated protests turn into countrywide large-scale violence. I pray that after all this, they feel they have wasted money on all those extra journalists they flew into our beautiful nation. The future is still unwritten, “Sit down, be humble.”

The So Necessary List:

Awesome Kenyans winning gold medals at the IAAF championships in London
#Githeriman memes

Something I wrote minutes after I heard a patriotic member of the IEBC was brutally murdered and my mind went into overdrive. Today, it had to be shared.

via When The Ink Wears Off — TAZAMA LLAMA

 

Image Credits.

As I flash you.

I blame it all on poor timing.

I left the house three hours prior to my LO’s appointment factoring in traffic, Nairobi’s erratic weather patterns, and the possibility of running into those dastardly politicians taking up both lanes as they profess lies and make ugly any wall they come across with their unnecessary posters. I get to the doc’s, do the usual checkup (LO has gained weight, yay me!), then the dreaded jabs are given and she screams like I never knew possible.

I figure we have made really good time, so a trip to the supermarket would not be a bad idea. 15 minutes later, we are at Galleria with Nakumatt in sight. I don’t know why, but I strangely looked forward to shopping, even if it’s just for that one soda which I am dying for given my daily dose of caffeine had not been met. I make a bee line for the refreshments aisle, and then I hear it. The slight whimper which signifies that a cry will be next if attention is not given. I rock her slightly, and tell her to go back to sleep, I need only a soda, and maybe those eat-sum-mo cookies then we will be out.

Who was I kidding.

LO got cross as a bear and did not care for my attempts at soothing her. She started screaming, my nerves started grating. I decided to walk as fast as possible towards the drinks section and be out of there before everything went south.  I had forgotten that not only was I out of shape, but also .1 of a ton. My attempts at a brisk walk were met by my back aching and my legs slowing down to a crawl, the furthest distance I had covered in months was between my living room and the bedroom, and Nakumatt was not the size of a servants quarter. LO meanwhile had switched it up, and was putting on a grand show for anyone with ears.  It was time to feed and she was not going to stop.

I asked a lady in blue where the nursing room was, she looked at me with confusion written all over her face and declared that she was new and did not know where that product was. She referred me to a Nakumatt employee for assistance. Nkt! By now, I had buckets of sweat pouring down my face, and my arms were shaking from the weight of my LO. I spotted a high chair with a table, and figured my feet could use a break.  I must have looked like a monster with all the sweat and makeup running down my neck to an already soaked blouse, huffing and puffing and being screamed at by a baby with nothing to wet my parched lips. I was at wits end. I CAREFULLY placed LO on the table and struggled to lift myself on to the chair designed for models with endless legs. I caught sight of the time and realized I had not fed LO in over two hours, no wonder she was upset. I immediately went into autopilot and followed my Tuzo routine.

I grabbed my boobs, but could not remember which one fed last. So I cupped both and “weighed” them to feel which one was heavier. The left one was a clear winner, so I lifted my blouse, unhooked the cup, positioned the boob and placed LO who immediately stopped crying, much to everyone’s relief.

That was when I noticed her.

The lady whose chair I was sitting on had been watching me in shock the whole time. I had taken over her space and she now did not have anywhere to place her Sleek merchandise which she was holding on to for dear life. I gave her a blank look and she stared back, when she pointed at me and lowered her gaze to where I guessed was my chest area. I looked down and saw it, like everyone else on that aisle.

My boobage was all out.

In my haste, I had thrown up my blouse and forgotten to arrange it after deciding lefty was the winner. So now I had one boob feeding, and the other just sitting there, waving at guys and mouthing “call me” to extra fine men who passed by. I gingerly pulled down my blouse, asked about the eyebrow pencil number 123 given mine was almost out. The girl could not find her tongue.

Thankfully, LO was done feeding, I re-cupped my now empty boob, said goodbye and climbed down.  Half way to the exit, I realized I had left my handbag behind. I hurried back only to find the same girl standing in front of the chair, right beside my handbag. I picked up my bag and followed her gawk.

I was looking at an imprint of my mammoth butt and back.

I had under estimated the amount of heat and sweat I was emitting. That a butt print was still there 5 mins after exit could not possibly be a good thing. I left without a word. I will be covering up the next time I am in public…to save face.

cover up

Image Credits

Header Credits.

 

 

 

 

Image credits.

They named him Idiot.

He is yet to disappoint!

A name.

What is in a name? There are trendy names, tribal names, biblical names, nick names, insults (name calling), there is no end to it. But! How much thought do people put to their names, more so, what were your folks thinking when they named you person X? Has your name affected you in any way?

Let me tell you what you should consider, and why your name might very well be the end of you or the making of you… your fate is somewhat sealed.

Many names describe Nations, seasons, places, events and have therefore priceless historical value. Like the Hebrews, some names are fragments of ancient history, and thus a revelation of divine purpose or a deep expression of hope and possible prophecies for the future. For example the name Barak means Thunder, the way I see it, Thunder is significant, hard to ignore, will be felt and acknowledged by all who are in its path, can cause great destruction or inspiration, much like Barak Obama ( see, his path had already been decided).

Names are also linked to one’s spiritual truth, and can be taken as an indicator of one’s character or natural qualities; a strong example set in the Bible is by Abigail. Abigail (whose name means my father’s joy) made a plea to David for her worthless husband, and I quote:

“…as his name is, so is he: Nabal is his name and folly is with him” (1 Sam. 25:25). Nabal means “fool.” In effect then, Abigail said, “Pay no attention to my husband. He’s a fool by name, and a fool by nature.”

There you have it! As you are named, so you shall be! Which leads me to wonder, why anyone would name their child Idiot. It might be that perhaps they ( the parents) did not fully understand what the word Idiot means, or perhaps the meaning was completely lost in translation, so they probably thought they were doing him a favor. They could not have been further from the truth.

It therefore follows, that should anyone be cursed with such a name, then he could be blameless for the error in his ways. Like Nabal, arrogance and poor judgement are intimately joined to their character. So actions and activity will seldom be in consideration of anyone else other than themselves. Let me create some colorful examples for you.

Is it not complete idiocy to shoot someone in cold blood? More so over a petty argument that could easily have been resolved by issuance of a Shebesh at the very worst?

Is it not the folly of an idiot to conduct shoddy business which flaunts various state and county laws, knowing fully well that regimes change and the law will someday catch up with you?

Is the very definition of idiocracy not captured by a man who steals from a hard-working widow irrespective of biblical warnings and pending doom for anyone who does?

I can not help drawing parallels between these two characters, one saved by his wife but killed by God while the other eliminated his wife and is awaiting punishment form God. A fool is a fool from any angle, none of them have ever made it out alive, not even those named Idiot.

Watch and learn people, watch and learn!

Image credits.

Geriatric pregnancies

I am one to always count my blessings, and choose to see the good in people. I accept that I do not suffer fools gladly, but that does not mean I all together refuse to see the humor in what would usually irritate the *cuss out of me, in regards to the fools that is.

Following recent events, I have been forced to take stalk of my life and accept what is coming to me. Someone, who much to my surprise walked away unscathed told me that I was young and beautiful… now I am just beautiful. That back handed compliment brought reality in its high heeled Gucci wearing self to my face and made me take a long hard look.

I AM OLD.

Much as I hate to admit it, I am no spring chicken. Ayi Kwei Armah did not lie when he titled “the beautiful ones are not yet born”, and in as much as I am a fat lady, I REFUSE to sing. This one has a lot of spank left and I am not afraid to use it… after I come back from maternity leave.

Yes people, maternity leave. After swearing that I was done, and would never ever ever ever have another one, I found myself huffing and puffing and springing forth one more for the road. What made me change my mind was a very sobering conversation I had with my Gyna. He candidly pointed out that I was not getting younger, and given his experience, he strongly advises women past 35 against childbirth. It is easy to dismiss this as poppycock, given that we Africans have the strength of an Ox and have been known to push one out and continue toiling the earth until dusk. I hereby bear testament that this no longer holds true, not for me at least.

Maybe its because I am plus size, which made me overly tired and not tolerant of humanity during the ten less than glorious months. Maybe it’s my age that had me balloon and retain water like a dam. Maybe its because round three is simply tedious, and your body would rather not suffer extra work because it doesn’t feel like it. I don’t know, what I can tell you is this; get all your babies early, and get it over and done with! My doc knew what he was on about, and I will not even delved into all the other medical irregularities that come with geriatric pregnancies. I will leave that for you to explore. I know that there are many factors to consider before childbirth, I am not blind to them, but do consult your doctor in good time, age is not just a number in this regard.

On a lighter note, I came across this article that had my sides ache from laughing. She totally captured what I went through, and I figured it is worth sharing. Enjoy!

10 ways you know it’s your third pregnancy.

This post was first published by the TODAY Parenting Team.

There are plenty of things I wished I’d known before we brought home our first baby, from the total absurdity of “sleep when the baby sleeps” to the desperate loneliness of the witching hour. Now, at the end of my third pregnancy, I’ve learned that there’s only one way to learn it all. Live it. And, by the skin of your teeth, just try to survive.

1st pregnancy: You book cross-country flights to tell the family in-person, then videotape everyone’s reaction, edit the video and share it on social media.
2nd pregnancy: You take professional pictures and post them on Facebook.
3rd pregnancy: Everyone gets a text.

1st pregnancy: Your husband constantly asks you how you’re feeling, and you get a foot rub on a nightly basis.
2nd pregnancy: You get one prenatal massage, but only because a friend bought you a gift card.
3rd pregnancy: No one cares.

1st pregnancy: You buy prenatal vitamins before your first OB appointment, and take them daily, at the same time of day.
2nd pregnancy:
At 14 weeks, you remember you need to buy them, but only because you were in the Target pharmacy section looking for toddler Tylenol.
3rd pregnancy:
Your husband asks about prenatals somewhere in month 4. You finally buy them about 6 weeks later, and then, they sit forgotten in a bathroom drawer for the remainder of the pregnancy. You’re lucky if you remember once a week.

1st pregnancy: You write thank you cards for baby shower gifts on monogrammed, personalized stationery, and go to the post office to pick out the perfect stamps.
2nd pregnancy: You thank everyone via email.
3rd pregnancy: You send a generic, group Facebook message to everyone who was at the shower (if you even had one).

1st pregnancy: For your babymoon, you spend 5 relaxing nights in a beachfront room at a luxury resort in St. Marteen.
2nd pregnancy: You convince your mom to come stay with your toddler, so you can squeeze in a weekend to Key West.
3rd pregnancy: Nothing can make you leave your own bed. (And no one wants to watch your kids anyway.)

1st pregnancy: You spend months picking out the perfect lighting fixtures, paint colors and expensive designer crib for the nursery.
2nd pregnancy: You wash the crib sheets.
3rd pregnancy: What nursery?

1st pregnancy: You read What to Expect When You’re Expecting like it’s the Bible.
2nd pregnancy: You open the book once, but only because you want to know how much alcohol you can safely consume on your vacation.
3rd pregnancy: You have no idea where the book is and don’t even care. At this point, any reading just takes away from what you really need to do. Which is sleep.

1st pregnancy: Approximately 6 weeks before your due date, you install the car seat in the perfectly-clean, cream-colored leather interior of your luxury sedan (which you, hilariously, bought for its ample backseat room, that you reasoned, would be “perfect for kids”).
2nd pregnancy: Car seat goes in right before you go to the hospital. And, by 4 days post-baby, you realize you need a bigger car.
3rd pregnancy: You now own a Suburban, and the day you’re supposed to leave the hospital, your hubby uncovers the car seat in a dark, dusty corner of the garage.

1st pregnancy: You eat well, exercise throughout and only gain 35 pounds.
2nd pregnancy: You exercise occasionally and eat like a pig.
3rd pregnancy: You exercise less than 5 times, and are up 30 pounds before the third trimester even begins.

1st pregnancy: You don’t drink a stitch of alcohol.
2nd pregnancy: You have an occasional glass of wine, but only during the toddler’s transition to his big boy bed.
3rd pregnancy: You go to a brewery the night you find out you’re pregnant and ask friends to bring wine to the hospital.

Image credits.

Shweee shweee dresses

Giving the sun competition.

It started as a fairly normal Sunday, following the standard routine of a large artery clogging breakfast followed by an hour on the pews listening to a hearty summon, and putting in petitions for a better week ahead. Depending on energy levels, we usually find a spot for the kids to play and for us to imbibe cold frothy drinks. So off we went in search of a place that would accommodate us, and luckily secured a spot at a joint we had never tried before…and should not have.

The crowd here was a notch above my usual joint. It somewhat looked like someone was hosting high tea and only the la-de-da of Nairobi’s society were invited. Never the less, we found a spot and settled in, ordering pizzas, Tuskers and Vodkas to wind down the week.  As always, I enjoy people watching and this crowd was as entertaining as the food channel. The women were dressed in all colors, and I mean all of them. Hats were wider than Saturn’s rings, and hem lines barely kissed anyone’s knees. It’s as if Maxi dresses had been banned here, I bloody well looked like everyone’s mother in my matronly church attire and flat sandals, most of the women here were in sky high wedges and were pulling them off like pros!

Having gotten slightly inebriated, and tired of chasing after the boys, I decided to watch them from the shade of my table and issue warnings that would be ignored with a drink in my hand. My person watching was now limited to the play area where this pretty young thing was minding her daughter. She was by all standards very easy on the eyes, and had on the cutest dresess I had ever seen. Beautiful corseted around her bosom and waist, and it opened up elegantly to form a gentle dome that (in line with the restaurants dress code) went nowhere near her knees. Which was just as well because she had pins that were worth the attention they were getting, long and nicely curved… Tina Turner like if you please.  So she and her young giggled and sang, and she continued pushing her on the swings much to everyone’s delight, or so I thought.  Until she decided to turn around and pick up her baby .

I did not know where to look.

The dress that was so cute at the front was disastrously short at the back. Disastrously short! What I did not expect, given her rather slender upper body was the mammoth posterior that this girl carried, and clearly neither did whomever designed the dress. The hem line that was borderline decent at the front was an assault on the eyes at the back, why you ask? Because her more than ample derriere lifted the dress upwards, and her hips stretched it further making what should have been a knee length dress a micro mini. What was worse, she insisted on bending over and carrying her daughter,  providing X rated views for anyone with eyes, and not giving a toss about who was watching. The bloody cheek of her! This is a play area damn it!

Given her demeanor, her cellulite free buttery looking skin with no blemish whatsoever, I would say this here lass was putting on a deliberate show. Now that she had caught my attention, and that of several other tables much to the chagrin of most wives who now insisted that the husbands sit facing away from the “sun”, she was on the hunt. Her shwee shwee dress, swayed with the slightest movement or breeze. She wore no ring on her finger, and implied innocence in her ballet flats and braiding her Brazilian weave into pigtails. I wondered how long she had been carrying on this charade, and for how much longer she would get away with it. Surely, exposing that much skin, posterior skin nonetheless should be illegal before 5 p.m.

I had had enough of the show, and couldn’t be bothered to have mine face away from the “sun”, so we packed up and went home. An hour or two early than we normally did, because porn should not be watched in broad daylight!

 

Image credits.