Jesus said, let he without sin cast the first stone. In Kenya, that would have turned out to be a hail of stones of all sizes coming from all directions. Why? Because Kenyans love a scandal, anything will be done to not only push a story, but act like you were there when it happened. These are dark times, your friend will snitch on you faster than you can say bitch… but I digress.
Social media has turned out to be the biggest anti-social tool in the history of man. “Udaku” seems to be its main use, sharing of sleazy stories, videos and photos happens faster than a call to action for immunization against Polio. I get that there is nothing funnier than a good roast, but where do you draw the line? Some stories are true, some not so true, but who cares… right?
I have recently discovered an even greater messaging app that will help you save face in case you send that saucy nude of yours to the wrong James. I know completion is stiff, your best features cannot always appear on your CV, and you can’t be bothered to wait for at least six months before putting out. I totally get it. So you choose to sweeten the process by sharing your bikini area completely uncovered, because you have run out of ways to say no, and EVERYBODY knows your menses come only once a month. So go on, wax, douche (just in case), moisturize and find suitable lighting, press send. Wait for a reaction that will also help pay rent. Or maybe not.
You and your boys have never gotten out of campus mode. You’re all married, with a litter of children, but fisi ni fisi in any setting. There is always that one guy, the one who has a chain of women who are always eager to please. It’s not his looks, he is literally a pauper, doesn’t even drive a Subaru ( he he he, calm down people), but no! He gets laid more times than you care to remember. How do you know? He shares his latest catch with the group, and proceeds to give details of where and how it happened. Then you all score her (literally assign a grade), some out of ignorance, others out self-pity, others because boredom is the devils workshop. His latest catch happens to be known all too well, and one of the boys has shared the conversation with his other boy. Screen shots complete with images, cell numbers and who said what. Wait for it.
The wife has been grumpier than normal. You cannot for the life of you remember what you did wrong, out of the usual coming home at 0700hrs and expecting a warm hug with sausages and toast. Even the monosyllabic conversations have run dry, you have been thrown out of the bedroom, and the kids have gone to visit the grandparents. If you had bothered to be nicer to the wifes’ best friend, you would have known that your phone was your undoing. You were better off setting a password like normal people, than opting to use your thumb print. When you blacked out thanks to drink, your thumb print did not morph into a blanket, no sirree! She placed it on your screen and presto! Access to your all! So that cutie pie who’s been after you texted to find out if you got home safe, and to know if Godzilla is very upset that you didn’t go home. Just as a reminder, she also sends photos of her delicate areas, as a reward for choosing to stay the night with her. Screen shots and texts have been forwarded, you will be dared to deny. It will be easier to resurrect a dinosaur than to get out of this one.
I am not asking anyone to become a saint, all I’m saying is cover your back side because hell has no fury like a woman scorned, and careers have ended on even less! SessMe, is the answer to ALL your problems, and I mean all! I know I went on and on about Telegram here, but I kid you not, SessMe is even sassier than Telegram on steroids!
For example, when you send the wrong James your nudes, assuming you were on SessMe, you could have deleted those pictures from the NETWORK! Even if the wrong James quickly forwarded it to his boys, they would not be able to drool over your goodies because you have recalled your photo! You are welcome!
You overzealous lover with TMI, that group conversation turned trend on twitter could have been saved. Delete photos and conversations on the group and from anyone else who forwarded the messages. How? Did you know you that you can choose to have private conversations that cannot be screen shot or forwarded? You can also see how many times an item has been forwarded, and by whom. So you can totally go to town on that snitch, and unfriend his telling ass.
As for the philandering husband… I am almost sorry that this app will basically enable such. However, drama with Godzilla would have been avoided if and only if SessMe had been in operation. The many options ranging from private conversations ( these are encrypted you guys…they look like emoticon’s that make no sense to third parties… brilliant!), blocking screen shots and also setting an alert of any before they are taken, and the customary blocking of the forward option. If your significant other has this app though, I give you permission to go ape shit ( here I am being a loyal Kenyan… he he he!)
Just like in any court of law, ignorance is no excuse. I hereby impart knowledge upon you, let your ratchetness know no boundaries, shoot more sex tapes and not so polite boudoir shoots and share them. But do so on SessME, thank me later.
*Udaku: Tendency to gossip
*Fisi: Slang for men that excessively love women, aka thigh mongers.