Parenting 000

Someone should have told me…


No one prepared me for this.

I may have 12 years of work experience, 3 degrees under my belt, quick wit and the vocabulary of a well-educated sailor, but still! Parenting has me gob smacked!

It has been said that there will never be a perfect time to become a parent (given the continued failure of morning afters, bursting condoms, trying to “trap” you a man), and should you find yourself looking at two strong red line, please be advised of the following.

Gadgets central.
After the arrival of my first… I was armed to the teeth with all manner of gadgets to ease my new shiny status…mother. I had two bottle warmers, one in my room and the other in the kitchen, in case crying begun while I was somewhere in between. I had baby monitors everywhere, just so I can see the blankets gentle raise and fall, to make sure he was breathing right and not choking on air or milk. I had two Moses baskets, so he could lay in comfort either in his room or the living room. Diaper changes were also electronic, first the heater had to run for at least ten minutes at full heat, and the wipe warmer had to have blinked green before my young could be undressed. Conversation was reduced to hushed tones, because should he wake before his time, I will take your life! Given that I felt my two eyes were not enough, I had the help of two nannies, strangely enough, this did nothing to make rest easy.
Someone should have told me…

Feeding frenzy.
I was all nerves and pure irritation. I wanted to mute the world, and have everything operate on grey scale to match my mood. I absolutely despised humanity; hormones raked havoc and my lack or constant need for some shut eye went unrewarded. So I became a mammoth red eyed Grinch, taming my unhappiness with mouthfuls of food and industrial amounts of tea and bone soup, because the women in my family believed that a new mother must eat and drink in order to keep up the milk supply. And eat and drink I did, which morphed my then trim figure into something akin a croissant, folds and rolls where none should exist. But still, I ate and drunk my days and nights, until all foods merged into blurred substances that filled my waking moments. Did you know Njahi mashed with sweet bananas has the singular ability of adding a kg to your weight with every bite? You have been warned!
Someone should have told me…

Colic aka your time in hell.
It would be unfair to paint my first as a colicky babe who cried specifically between 2030hrs and dawn everyday for the first four months of his life, because he did not. My second however did. I believe he will one day be knighted by the Queen for blowing her away with his Luciano Pavarottiesque abilities developed at my expense and thanks to Colic.
Did you know that a child can hold his breath for over a minute? Whilst howling at a pitch Mariah is yet to reach? And strangely enough, one does not become numb to the incessant screaming… Noooooo! You will pace and coo and sing and swing and ride your car in hopes to having the crying subside, but nothing! And just as the sun comes up, all will be calm, he will sleep, and you will suit up to attend that two hour strategy meeting where your only contribution will be agreement to everything, as you nod off in fitful slumber.
Someone should have told me…

Grannies and nannies are Angles without wings. Honestly, I would not have survived without them. However, there are those nannies who come to add to your troubles in the most annoying of ways.
I have had those who “killed” a relative every time they needed extra money and extended weekends. I had another who would only eat Ugali, and whose portion sizes could have fed a Greek army twice. Then there was the other who decided to quit as I walked out the door headed to the office. Let me not give you details of the illiterate one, who fed my son a tablespoon of suncream lotion instead of his antibiotic, on account that it smelt sweeter than the drugs and looked more legit than the actual medicine. Then there was the phone operator, the one whose cell rung every four minutes (I kid you not), and she had conversations at about 1000 decibels, and would shoo away the kids so she can narrate the tale of their village drunk who was beaten up by his 4 wives. Then I had the one who cleaned me out, she went ahead and hired a truck, loaded my belongings and called it a day.
I have hired and fired so many nannies, my house begun feeling like a bed and breakfast. And yes, the search continues.
Someone should have told me…

Turn up? Not!
My social life died 7 years ago.
I had not the energy to go anywhere whilst pregnant, and upon arrival of the children, I mostly can not be bothered. On the occasions when I would like to grace an event, I find myself without help, so I have to do the dread right thing and choose my young over the club, party, alcohol, rachetness and other inviting events.
I do not mean to be the devils advocate, but someone should have warned me of the drama that comes with bring forth the fruit of my womb. Children are very much a blessings, and there are countless times of shared laughter and inexplicable joy. But when the devil gets the upper hand, you will want to pull a Houdini and disappear from unsavoury situations.
Someone should have told me…

I am not saying that this is your portion, however, please wrap it up before you slap it up… unless you are in a hurry to meet the fruit of your loin. 😉

Author: spicewithlelo

I will tell it...brace yourself!

7 thoughts on “Parenting 000”

  1. Hahaa…..sounds like you called in the secret service to help raise your first one. I can’t wait for parenthood! Now that you’ve mentioned it, nannies can be black Angels! I have heard dark tales about them and I hope me and my wife can raise our kids on our own or with very minimal help, at least the first 10 years of their lives.


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